Elliot Goes to School Field Trips
(Camera zooms into Elliot’s room)
(Elliot is sitting and sleeping on his bed with a lampshade over his head. There are two pigeons on his bed)
(The alarm clock goes off)
Elliot: SHUT UP!
(Elliot throws the lampshade at the alarm clock and knocks over everything on his desk)
(Elliot kicks the pigeons off the bed)
Pigeons: Bitch ass
(Elliot wakes up and flies into the door. He flips his way through the kitchen and kicks down the door to the garage.)
(Elliot waits for the cinderblock, but nothing happens)
(The garage door opens and leaves with his bike only to be struck with a cinderblock on the way out)
Elliot: Ah, shhhhh, ah!
(Elliot rides his way into an airport. An airport worker runs away screaming. Elliot rams into a worker. Elliot rides off a ramp and crashes into another worker and into an airplane, causing it to explode. Elliot smears against the ground and breaks into another airplane. Elliot flies out of his seat and into the pilot’s cabin. Elliot throws the pilot and co-pilot out of the plane. Elliot starts fiddling with the controls)
Plane controls: Access denied. Access denied.
(The plane starts flying out of control)
Samuel L Jackson: I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
(Elliot is tossed out of the airplane)
(Elliot crashes through the ceiling of the school into his seat)
Mr. Cool: (Sighs) These doofuses again.
Brandon: What was that Mr. Cool? Do you think I’m fat?
Mr. Cool: No Brandon, don’t assume-
Brandon: That wasn’t very nice! Say you’re sorry.
Mr. Cool: But-
Brandon: SAY IT!
Mr. Cool: Anyway, there’s a field trip today during third period and-
Brandon: Yes! We don’t have to deal with Miss Person for five minutes straight.
Mr. Cool: make sure you guys don’t-
Brandon: DILLYDALLY! I know Mr. Cool, I read minds. Like Elliot’s thinking that he wants to punch me in the ear.
(Elliot punches Brandon in the ear and out the window)
Mr. Cool: Okay, now let’s go back to what we were talking about last week.
(Brandon walks back into the room and crashes into Elliot)
Mr. Cool: How do you say shoes in Italian?
Elliot: Didn’t I just answer that in the last episode?
Brandon: Elliot! You’re a robot! (Points to Elliot’s shirt that says ImaRobot.) Shut you face!
(Elliot shuts his own face)
Mr. Cool: (Muffled in his book) I’ll pretend I didn’t see that. (Normal voice) And Xavier, stop playing World of Warcraft while I’m teaching.
(Xavier is still playing WoW)
Mr. Cool: Xavier?
(Xavier is button mashing)
Mr. Cool: (Sighs)
Xavier: Sorry, I had to kill these L33T hackers. They steal all my weapons.
Brandon: World of Warcraft sucks BIG TITS!
(Brandon goes over Xavier’s shoulder)
Xavier: At least it’s not gay and stupid like you!
(Xavier goes back playing)
Brandon: (Civilized voice) Oh okay, sorry.
(Brandon backs away into his seat)
Mr. Cool: Back to Italian class. Now how do you –
Brandon: (Laughs uncontrollably)
Mr. Cool: Now how do you say shoes?
Bill Clinton: Doobies?
Mr. Cool: (Sighs) No Bill Clinton, doobies is not the answer.
(Bill Clinton shakes in rage)
Bradon: OH OH. PICK ME. ME ME ME! ME ME ME ME ME!
Mr. Cool: (Sighs) Yes Brandon.
(A naked man runs across the hall singing)
Brandon: (Civilized voice) What’s the question?
Mr. Cool: How do you say-
Brandon: Oh yeah, shoes.
Mr. Cool: The Italian version –
Brandon: Shoes! What are you, deaf?
Mr. Cool: Brandon, shoes do not translate to shoes.
Brandon: You’re a shoe!
(Brandon throws a shoe at Mr. Cool)
Elliot: Does anyone if, uh, Jimbo is here today?
Brandon: I saw him get tackled by a squirrel. Of course he died!
(Jimbo hops into the room)
Jimbo: Sorry everybody. I had a snack before school.
Elliot: Pizza at eight o’clock in the morning? WHAT ARE YOU?
Brandon: See, I told you he got tackled by a squirrel. That’s his clone!
(The naked man runs passed the hallway singing again)
(Elliot turns around to Brandon)
Elliot: A squirrel?
Brandon: Shut your face.
(Elliot shuts his face)
(School bell rings)
Mr. Cool: Thank God
(Elliot throws Jimbo against a window and runs out. Jimbo gets up and runs. Xavier runs out after)
(Cuts to Mr. Higglesworth’s room)
(Elliot hits the ground and slides through. Brandon flies into Ms. Person in the room, breaking her keyboard. Brandon looks around)
Brandon: Wrong room, Ms. Person. (Slaps Ms. Person) The Retard Convention’s down the other way.
(Ms. Person grabs another keyboard)
Ms. Person: Mr. Higglesworth is absent today, so I have to substitute your math class for today. Now sit down.
(Elmer is eating a leg)
Elmer: My name’s, ELMER!
(Elmer continues to chew on the foot)
Ms. Person: Wait until I take the attendance please.
(Elmer grabs the broken keyboard on the ground)
Brandon: Ooooh, she said the P word. You gotta listen to him. I mean her, Elmer.
ELMER J. FAPP
Brandon HULK PENIS
Francis (A.K.A. gay biker)
Emo Kid :c
Ms. Person: Elmer.
(Elmer is screaming like a dinosaur as he eats the keyboard)
Elmer: My name’s Elmer. Elmer J Fapp.
Brandon: HAHA, fap! You’re so funny (laughs) (civilized voice) no.
Ms. Person: Jimbo?
(Jimbo pops out of a flower pot)
Jimbo: That’s my name, don’t wear it out Ms. Lady.
Ms. Person: Elliot?
Elliot: Oi you play, wanker?
Sniper: No! (Hits Elliot)
Ms. Person: Hulk Penis.
Brandon: (Laughs) (Civilized voice) Sorry, it’s just that you say it funny. (Childish voice) Now say it again for a gold star.
Ms. Person: Fagola.
Some Fagola: Hi.
Ms. Person: Franis? AKA gay biker?
Francis: Hey, that is uncalled for.
Ms. Person: Emo kid.
(Emo kid says nothing)
Ms. Person: Okay
(Xavier passes the room)
Xavier: My girl senses are tingling when I walk near this.
(Xavier looks at Ms. Person. Ms. Person turns to see him)
Ms. Person: Can I help you?
(Xavier goes into a love trance, and love music plays)
Xavier: Salutations miss. Can we have internet sex later?
Ms. Person: What is the Internet?
(Xavier turns back to normal. The music stops)
(Ms. Person takes off the disguise, revealing it is really Mr. Higglesworth)
Mr. Higglesworth: (laughs) Just kidding fagolas! Beat it geek!
(Mr. Higglesworth throws his chair at Xavier, flinging him at the window. Xavier gets back up and goes to the door.)
Xavier: I’m going to L33T hack you so hard, you won’t be able to open up the developer console.
Mr. Higglesworth: That’s what she said.
(Elmer jumps forwards and grabs Mr. Higglesworth chair)
Brandon: (Civilized jokes) Oh, overused jokes, I get it.
(Xavier walks away, but comes back to point at Mr. Higglesworth, and runs off)
(Jimbo turns from a flower pot back into a human)
Mr. Higglesworth: What do you want dick stain?
Jimbo: Hey teacher, do you –
Mr. Higglesworth: NO! Now shut your face!
Brandon: (Civilized voice) Oh, irony because I said that before, I get it. You’re supposed to shut your face, Jimbo.
(Jimbo shuts his face. Mr. Higglesworth sees it, and faces back to the class.)
Mr. Higglesworth: Alright, enough shutting faces for once. All you generic fags of students are all the same. Commonly joking. Unfunny puns. And most importantly, your big skateboarding shoes. Now if you want to learn something, then I suggest you –
(Elmer breaths heavily behind Mr. Higglesworth’s neck. Elmer slides closely toward’s Mr. higglesworth’s ear.)
Elmer: My name’s, Elmer.
(Elmer slides back away)
Elliot: Hey we learned something. His name is Elmer.
(Mr. Higglesworth becomes frustrated and his head inflates)
Mr. Higglesworth: See what I mean? You fagolas make Bill Gates look like Gabe Newell.
Bill Clinton: You pronounced his name wrong.
Jimbo: Oh irony, because I said that before, I get it.
(Elmer starts laughing uncontrollably and slams his desk so hard, it flies into Jimbo)
(School bell rings)
Mr. Higglesworth: Get out of here you generfags.
(Folding Chair goes to Mr. Higglesworth)
Folding Chair: HEY, I MADE UP THAT WORD.
Mr. Higglesworth: And no one likes inside jokes, so get out of this episode.
(Brandon crashes into Folding Chair)
(Cuts to Elliot going to Ms. Person’s room. Elliot stumbles into Ms. Person. Brandon points and laughs. Ms. Person gets back up)
Ms. Person: I thought we were over this like in business.
Brandon: Just like old times, huh Ms. P. Ha! P! P as in DICK!
Ms. Person: Now, does anyone know what the periodic table is?
Postal Dude: Yes. I supposed it would have been more politically correct to kill the women and the minorities first.
(Postal Dude shoots Ms. Person)
Brandon: Haha, you got killed by the Postal Dude. That’s how much you fail at life. (Laughs)
Postal Dude: You go girl.
Principal: Attention, this is your principal. Guess what, I’m still your principal.
Brandon: You said that in the last episode.
(Brandon swings his arms and breaks the computer.)
Brandon: FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FALE FAEL FAIL!
Principal: Big whoop, want to try it. Hahaha. Anyway everybody must report to the buses outside in front to the field trip. Anyone left behind will be slightly mutilated in bed to the detective case.
Postal Dude: Mmm, smells like chicken.
Brandon: (Civilized voice) Hey Mr. Postal Dude, you’re not funny, and you look like a gay version of Neo that’s voice actor fails at being cool.
Postal Dude: Hey I’m just exercising my second amendment rights here you fucking communist.
Brandon: Watch the language Mister.
Principal: Exit now, good day, except to the douchebag wearing the trench coat.
(Postal Dude looks at his clothes and sees he’s the one with the trench coat)
Postal Dude: Fuck me, I better get home.
(Postal Dude jumps out the window, but wasn’t successful at escaping)
Postal Dude: Fuck!
(Postal Dude falls down and flies off)
Ms. Person: You heard your fag Jew principal, now get going.
Mr. Higglesworth: Oh, irony, because I said it before, I get it (Whispy laughter) WHA!
(Scene cuts to outside. Elliot and the gang run to the bus)
Brandon: So yeah, how did Ms. Person come back to life?
Brandon: Sketchy? What the heck does that even mean? I’m crudely drawn?
(A crudely drawn picture of Brandon is shown)
Dan: Yo this kid don’t even know what sketchy means. What a slicer
Brandon: Oh no! You’re calling me a slicer? I slice things? So offensive.
Francis: Quit pissing around and get in here!
(The gang goes onto the bus. The bus drives off leaving Chris and Dan behind)
Chris: Yo, weren’t we supposed to be in the bus Dan?
Dan: Nah, screw it Chris. This school sucks anyway.
(The bus comes back at full speed and crashes into Chris and Dan)
(Cuts to the bus driving on a cliff. The bus crashes into a car in the way)
Driver in the car: You fuck!
Francis: ‘Scuse me!
(The bus continues driving out of control. Cuts to back inside the bus to Xavier and Elmer)
Xavier: Did you ever play Second Life? That’s an awesome game.
(Elmer is eating a baby doll)
Elmer: My name’s ELMER, DAMNIT!
(The bus crashes to the TF2 Museum)
Francis: Woo, bumper cars!
(Cuts to inside the museum)
Ms. Person: Alright everyone, I will be your guide for the day. Follow me.
Xavier: Take it to the medic’s room. He’s my favorite class.
Jimbo: Whoever plays the medic? He sucks.
Folding Chair: THIS! PLACE! SUCKS!
Brandon: Shut up Folding Chair. Go fold or something.
Folding Chair: ‘Kay. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
(Folding chair waves his arms around with LOLs. Folding Chair folds himself inside a bucket)
(Ms. Person slides to the next exhibit)
Ms. Person: This is my -
Dr. Breen: I pose a conundrum to ya. A riddle if you will. Knock knock.
Ms. Person: Who’s there?
Dr. Breen: me, the guy who slept with your mother last night.
(Dr. Breen and the audience starts laughing)
Ms. Person: This is –
Brandon: This place sucks big DICK! (Brandon slaps Ms. Person) I’m leaving. K, THANKS, BYE!
(Brandon tries to escape)
Ms. Person: Brandon, get back here right now.
Jimbo: Ah, fagola
Brandon: No Jimbo, shut up!
(Brandon throws a shoe at Jimbo. Brandon is on a horse)
Brandon: Everyone except Jimbo, follow me to FREEDOM!
(The horse starts braying. Ms. Person slides in front of the exit)
Ms. Person: Stop right there. You are to leave when I told you so. Turn around and follow me.
Ellis: I love horses
(Brandon throws a shoe at Ellis)
Brandon: H-hold one sec.
(Brandon throws Ms. Person away. Ms. Person crashes into a jukebox.)
Brandon: Alright, let’s get the hell outta here.
(Everyone leaves, but Brandon comes back and locks the doors to the exit. Jimbo hits into the door)
Brandon: Hey, I said everyone except you, Jimbo! You stay in there with Ms. Person and have sex with her or something.
Jimbo: Open the door, I have CANDY!
(Jimbo holds up a chocolate bar)
Brandon: HOLY TITS! IS THAT CHOCOLATE?
(Brandon punches through the glass window of the door and grabs the chocolate out of Jimbo’s hand)
Brandon: (Laughs) He fell for it.
Jimbo: You know I can just open the door now.
(Jimbo opens the door and swings the door against Brandon)
Xavier: Shit! I forgot my laptop.
(Francis touches Xavier’s laptop)
Laptop: Access denied
(The laptop explodes)
Xavier: My career! My life! It’s, IT’S, DESTROYED! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Brandon: Haha, his life got destroyed.
Xavier: Just kidding! I got an iTouch and to save all my stuff on my laptop.
Brandon: My joke! My plan! It’s, IT’S, DESTROYED! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Civilized voice) Just kidding, I can do this.
(Brandon chin slaps Xavier)
Xavier: I’m going to L33T hack you!
(Xavier chases Brandon)
Jimbo: What an exciting day this was.
Elliot: Indeed it was.
Elmer: My name’s Elmer.
Dr. Breen: The day is mine!
Brandon: (Echoed from the distance) Xavier’s a tator tot!
Xavier: Brandon’s gay!
Elliot: Well, it looks like this (Closes the fridge and puts on shades) is a cold case!
(Ends with a parody of CSI Miami)
Elmer: (Civilized voice) You ruin every single fucking joke Elliot. WHAT THE HELL’S THE MATTER WITH YOU? GOD!
(Elmer walks away. Elliot looks at Elmer with his shades crooked)
(The end and credits)